The second-hand is still ticking with each passing rise and fall of our chests. Some moments I just want to throw out the clocks, computers and iphones, all constant reminders of the fact that time is continuing to move on at its sluggish rate while I’m clawing after it in a half-dazed state! This period of the wait has been a different beast entirely. I always thought this part would be easier than the initial wait for a referral, but it really is just a whole new world. When we waited for a referral, while we were still on the “any day now” mode for 30 months, the wait was open-ended, so we knew it could be any day but it also could be any week, month or year from now. We had a loose vision of our son, nothing concrete, no expectations really. As time went on it became a painful wait, the pain of feeling like a piece of us was lost – that every day passing without firm knowledge of him was somehow slipping away into oblivion. We really had to fight to be present, to stay engaged with life at home with our kids, with activities and friends – it really felt like a slow strangulation of our hearts at times. There were times we sat on the couch after the kids went to bed and stared at the wall together in our own heads, quietly discussing whether or not it was time to let the dream go. Those were some of the hardest conversations. Some of the hardest things I did during those last few months of waiting was to call some local agencies and inquire about domestic adoption and foster-to-adopt programs. I was so weighed down by those conversations and calls – none of it seemed right.
We knew we were not forgotten, passed over, or ignored by the Lord, but we were really at a point when we were floundering for His direction, His will, His plan for our family. Everything we felt had been steering us in the direction of this little Haitian boy who we just felt in our hearts existed started to be put under the microscope. We asked ourselves heartbreaking questions, we prayed without ceasing, we began to buckle under the hammering questions from our kids and other loved family and friends with the same answers over and over – “not yet”, “we don’t know when”, “yes, we’re still doing this ‘adoption thing’, thanks for asking”. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, and later we realized that we WANT our friends to ask questions and we want to be transparent, but I do not think we ever really vocalized the heavy hearts we walked around with on a daily basis. While we 100% trusted that God had a plan for our family, it is a really difficult thing to spend 3 years of your family’s growing up years plodding a certain journey one footstep at a time through ups and downs together, and then question whether you’re really supposed to be on that dry, wasteland of a dirt road! Our saving grace there, was simply that we kept asking God to shut it down if we were supposed to exit the process. To make it so clear that we couldn’t ignore it if His plan was for us to bow out.
For those of you who have followed this blog, you know what happened on day 898 of waiting for an official match for our son. I was done, I really felt like if God wasn’t going to pull me off this road (figuratively, not literally!) I was going to do it myself – I had somewhat of the worst breakdown of my life in my car, driving up Lakeshore Ave. toward home. I remember that day like it was just a few hours ago – bawling, all alone in my car, feeling like I was really close to having to pull over because I just couldn’t see straight through my tears. I probably looked like some insanely off-kilter soccer mom two-fries-short-of-a-happy meal, pounding my steering wheel, my body wracked with heaves, yelling through my sobs to the windshield (AKA God). We had it out, in that car, myself and my God. I was brutally honest about my heart, my struggle, and that I couldn’t possibly do this any longer. It was day 898 of waiting and I specifically asked God to not allow us to wait longer than 900 days. 900 days was my cut off and I was D.O.N.E. DONE. I told Him that we had followed His guidance faithfully for 3 years and had trusted fully and been through the wringer in order to complete this journey but that we couldn’t do it anymore. I remember feeling so exhausted and drained as my tears subsided, coming home to a quiet house in a daze, like every ounce of strength had drained completely from my core.
2 days later, day 900, we received our referral, in a McDonald’s drive-thru on a holiday weekend. Last week I was in tears again as another family we knew through our adoptive family connections received their referral after 32.5 months of waiting. It brought back that emotional journey, and the wash of relief, hope and joy of hearing those words, “I have your referral!”
We are now at 6 weeks and 2 days waiting for Wesley’s passport, and 4 weeks and 1 day in USCIS. This wait is incredibly different but just as difficult! Now, we wait with pure excitement and giddiness for what is to come – not that it will be all roses and fluffy glitter-pooping unicorns, but sometimes the thought of the elation of homecoming feels like that – but we also wait with crashing disappointment at the close of each business day with no passport issued. I find myself around 2pm looking at the time and praying for distractions and peace to make it through til the next day. Fridays are horrible because you don’t only wait overnight until business starts again, but you have to wait 2.5 days until the offices open again! There is always the seed of doubt that says, “I’m positive it’s already printed and just sitting there”, or “what if it fell off the table and got kicked under a desk?” or like I heard last week from another family, “what if it’s spelled wrong and we have to wait all over again?” This wait is the jittery anticipation, jumping at every phone or email buzz again, hitting refresh on my email every 30 seconds (actually, this blog post is so pleasantly distracting to me, I haven’t checked it in 20 min! – Hang on…false alarm. Just junk promotional mail.) – Yesterday I had another long talk with the Lord. Abby asked me last night how I talk with God if He isn’t talking back to me…I said that’s a very good question! And a great conversation ensued…I love it when a quick goodnight turns into a nice engaging conversation in the dark with the ladybug dreamlight spattering the ceiling with LED stars and a smiling bug!
Anyway, yesterday I was feeling so –
HOLD THE PHONE –
I guess checking your email every 30 seconds does no good when the email is sent to your school email – THAT YOU JUST GRADUATED FROM…
WE JUST GOT A PASSPORT!!!!!!
like seriously – in the middle of this blog post. DUDE. That is God just saying, seriously, Child, you have NO REASON to doubt me. NONE.
Deliverance. That has been my word for the last 2 weeks – Deliverance. And here we are. 🙂
So – Now – wow I can’t even think straight. My hands are shaking!! LOL!!
Okay, but really – so now that we have a passport – we could get an email any day in the next 2 weeks that says we have visa approval, and then we get a visa appointment scheduled for a couple days after that email, and then we TRAVEL. Not for a visit – but like to pick him up. For reals.
THIS KID IS COMING HOME, PEOPLE!!!!
~ And that’s all I have to say about that.